


and again,

by wigglebox



Series: Supernatural - Season 15 Coda Fics [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, M/M, Pining, Purgatory, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:27:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21839707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wigglebox/pseuds/wigglebox
Summary: [...] everything carries me to you,as if everything that exists,aromas, light, metals,were little boatsthat sailtoward those isles of yours that wait for me.If You Forget Me - Pablo Neruda15x08 Coda
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Supernatural - Season 15 Coda Fics [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1514216
Comments: 16
Kudos: 69





	and again,

It’s amazing what you can think of in such a small amount of time, brain working overtime just to make sure all the right words shove into place before you act. 

Sometimes you’re not aware of it, it happens too fast like the blink of an eye or the snap of a finger. All that remains is an aftertaste in the rest of your body, settling in your heart, of whatever emotion it needed to convey to you. It could be good or it could be terrifying -- instinct born in that half a millisecond. Ironically, those small quick moments are ones that last forever, like a vivid nightmare you woke from and couldn’t shake the feeling of _wrong wrong wrong_ all day. 

Sometimes, however, you are aware of the thoughts before they dip back out. They want you to pay attention and to engage with them as you go about your business. It’s a ‘warning before you act’ kind of deal; It’s the memories that come flying back at you, top speed, as they slam into the front of your brain; It’s the invisible self-doubt that makes you pause while the moment of clarity comes trotting along. 

When Michael pops open another rip into Purgatory, Cas feels his body freeze over like someone shoved him headfirst into a lake of ice. His brain also trips, the thoughts wanting to dump and run in that half-millisecond, but the bear trap in his heart latches onto them, catching them in an unyielding grip. 

An entire year’s worth of tucked away memories descend on Cas like a pack of wild dogs, eager to tear their teeth into whatever part of him they could get. 

The oldest memories come first: the first Leviathan he had to kill; the first flight he had to take when things got too nasty, taking care to stay low against the trees so nothing spotted him; the first time Dean got close to finding him, only a clearing and a half away, and that sharp pull Cas felt in that direction; the first prayer Cas heard --

Nothing good. No good memories of that place. 

The millisecond thought that brought forth the prayer tumbles into a bank of stored files, the first being the first week he spent physically restraining himself to turn back every night when he heard that familiar voice distantly in his head. 

On the first night, Cas didn’t think Dean knew he was praying, but the words sounded like he was: _Where are you, where are you, did they take you? Where are you._ Dean’s voice came across small and scared and not at all like how Cas wanted to hear him. 

The nights that followed blended together in memory haze in Cas’s mind:

_Castiel, you feathery bastard where the hell did you go._

_Are you lost? Did something get you?_

_I see a river, I’m sitting on a rock and will stay here tonight. Get back here._

_Are you dead? Tell me you’re not dead. Beam into my head or something that you’re not dead._

_Are you dead?_

_Please tell me you’re not dead_

Each prayer for an entire year rang over angry, terrified, sad, or a combination of the three. It never got easier, either. Sometimes the prayers would be short, a small sentence of reassurance that Dean would find Cas and that those monsters he kept coming across provided him with vague directional hints. Other times, the prayers would be long, rambling nonsense that Cas suspected happened as Dean teetered on the edge of sleep. They usually ended in _I need you_ , _Please don’t be dead,_ or _Come back please_. 

Those were the worst ones. 

Other than that reunion on the banks of the river, Cas and Dean never spoke about those nights ever again. 

Michael speaks his piece and gives Cas that annoying, all-knowing glance that Cas wants to take, crumple up, and throw back at him. 

Dean looks at Michael depart, says nothing, then turns away, mumbling something about ‘getting a gun’’. Cas stays, glaring at the glowing rip, which wavers in anticipation for their return. 

When he hears the footsteps finally round the corner, Cas lets a shaky breath out and leans over, putting his hands on the table. He needs to brace himself against something, anything, as a small wave of vertigo crashed over him. 

They were only returning to that place for a short time to retrieve just that _one_ thing, for only _one --_

Cas swallows as he stares down at his hands. The day took from him; he felt that drain, almost like he could see everything disappearing before his eyes. This time in Purgatory would not be like the last. 

_I don’t know how to protect you_ a small voice said, pushing through the thorns and shadows in Cas’s mind. 

His arms begin to shake and he closes his eyes as the horrible taste of adrenaline returned. It had taken every bit of self control back then not to return every time he heard Dean call, hoping he’d just forget about it and find his own way out, thinking Cas finally died. 

At one point, Dean had gotten close. Cas heard a scuffle only a couple hundred feet away as he tried to decide which way to go. A grunt, the sound of knuckles on bone, and then a thump as someone’s body hit the tree

“Where the fuck is he,” Cas heard the familiar voice ask, so much more clear than the echoes of a prayer, sounding more determined, less desperate. Cas closed his eyes in spite of himself, hoping to hear more, a metallic taste forming in his mouth as he fought tooth and nail to stay rooted to his spot. 

“Why should I tell you? You’d kill me anyway,” the monster against the tree hissed. 

“Well, you want a quick death or a drawn-out one -- because buddy, I got all day. I even got tonight if you last that long,” Dean threatened, and Cas swallowed hard. All he had to do was move a foot or two to the right in order to see Dean. They’d been apart for six months. 

“West, towards the hill,” the monster caved, voice laced with realized fear, “Leviathan on his trail.”

The monster was three days behind on its knowledge, clearly. 

“How do I know you’re telling the truth?” Dean asked, but Cas could tell in his voice that he already believed the statement. 

“Coat, white pants, white shirt, and shoes, though he looks a little dirty now --” 

Cas looked down at himself. He had let the clothes get a little muddy. 

The sound of a weapon cutting through the air was soon followed by another thump, then the telltale sound of something heavy rolling in the leaves. Cas knew if he walked only a little distance in front of him, he’d trip over the monster’s head. Somewhere by the trees, Cas heard Dean wipe whatever weapon he managed to scrounge up against his jacket.

They stood in silence for a moment, Cas wanting to move so bad _so bad -_ \- 

A sniff and an exhale that sounded almost like a sob almost pushed Cas into action, feeling that pull again almost launching him off his feet. He was _right there_ , he could stumble into the clearing and say ‘I finally got away, I found you”. 

Instead, Cas only closed his eyes and held in his shaky breath. Staying away from Dean was needed. Not all monsters could really see his grace, the ones that Dean kept finding were low-level things that had a set of fangs. Those would find Dean no matter what Cas did to try and distract them. But the other things, the worse things, the things Dean couldn’t kill with a rustic knife -- those things were Cas’s job to keep away. To do so was to keep away from Dean.

That was Cas’s punishment. 

_Stay away, leave, keep your distance. You’re not allowed near him because otherwise you could kill him,. Is it worse having him alive and confused where he’d eventually give up looking for you -- or is it worse that he’s dead and won’t ever come back._

A painful vision came to Cas of Dean never giving up his search, becoming the lost human in the woods, shouting for someone who’d never come. Or, maybe sometimes he’d come, but he’d stand a couple hundred feet apart and want to rip himself in half for not allowing himself to just return to Dean -- 

It was what Cas deserved, and eventually, Dean would understand. 

“Please give up,” Cas whispered on an exhale, slow and as steady as possible. 

Dean didn’t hear him, and soon after, the noise of heavy boots over dead leaves moved farther and farther from their almost-meeting. 

And Cas moved on. 

Cas half expects Dean to say he could do this mission alone, that he didn’t need help and going in and out of Purgatory was a cakewalk. 

Instead, as he returns with a gun, back, and coat, Dean holds out a flashlight to Cas, like an invitation. They still didn’t look at each other as Cas takes it from Dean’s hands, taking extra caution not to touch him during the hand-off. 

“Ready?” Dean asks, turning away and hitching up his bag. 

Cas pauses.

“Ready.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello - I can't believe we're getting Purgaytory 2020.  
> 15x08 made me scream so much like, the almost hand holding, the badassery of the mind dump into Michael, the PURGATORY, the Saileen, that  
> fucking  
> kitchen scene
> 
> oof! So many much emotions. 
> 
> I wasn't around when Purgatory was first a thing, I came into fandom at the hiatus between 8 and 9, so I'm happy those of us who came in late to the game can get another lil slice of Purgaytory in real time. 
> 
> Woohoo! 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! 
> 
> This was beta'd by [ cuddlemonsterdean](https://cuddlemonsterdean.tumblr.com/)  
> on Tumblr 
> 
> Photo by Inggrid Koe on Unsplash


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